he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
