The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
