We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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