i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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