Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
