Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Randomize
