It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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