its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
