I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
