Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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