The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
