my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
sarcasm needs its own font
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
