I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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