Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
