I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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