I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
