Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I am spending my child support on dildos
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
