I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
