He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
