I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
