Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
