Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i love accidental penises.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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