I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
