1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
