Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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