i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
