So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
