I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
