Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
