Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
