my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Shame is for Republicans.
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