I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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