After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
