I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
