Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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