I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
