That's when you crack a 10am beer
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
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What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
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You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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