who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.