He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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