He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?