Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"