Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
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he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
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Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.