oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
