life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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