He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
