Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
smell my finger.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
