so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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