Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
