some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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