My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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