Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
