just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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