also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
