So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
