Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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