Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
