I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
