hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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