Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
