I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
