if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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