You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Randomize
