just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
