Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
