Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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