i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
