when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
These tits shall not be calmed
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
