I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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